Big feelings

*taps mic* is this thing on?

Is there even anyone in the audience?

Would it matter if there wasn’t?

Probably not. I’ll talk anyway.

Where do I even begin?

The past few days have been filled with an almost suffocating range of emotions. Mostly good. Frankly, all *good*, but sometimes messy goodness. Sometimes it feels like I have too many feelings that the force of them simultaneously stretches my skin, pressing out of me in a way that can’t be contained, and collapses inward with the density of a black hole.

But that’s good. Because it’s good to feel sometimes.

And there are three big things that I’ve been letting myself feel and experience in the past 4 days.

Number One: on December 18th, I hit the one year anniversary of deciding that I was going to try to write a book.

I gave myself permission to be terrible at it.

It was just an experiment.

No big deal if nothing came of it.

Please note: I’m painfully self aware and I have always known that each statement above came with an asterisk.

Permission to be terrible at it : *if I ended up being a bad writer, my entire identity was subject to destruction

Just an experiment: *if it didn’t succeed then my entire identity was subject to destruction

No big deal if nothing came of it: *you know where this is going

But instead of painful ego death, I stand* (*sit- I’m on the couch now) here with two manuscripts written, an agent who truly gets my sense of humor, and hope for the future.

And yet the anxiety of it all still keeps me up at night. I’ve proven myself to… myself. But unfortunately the world at large still waits before me with open arms that could either embrace me or crush me in their grip.

I’d yap on longer about this, but I think I covered it enough in note Number Two:

Number Two: on December 19 my very first Podcast appearance dropped. An entire hour of me being as real and authentic as I could be.

Half of it is deeply vulnerable:

• My journey in the bookish art world

• Deciding to write a book

• The absolute gut punch of burnout as a creative

• Chronic illness and how that shaped my story

The other half is filled with my very expressive eyebrows and award winning quotes like “birds don’t care about my job” and “the ocean is none of my business”

So if you ever want to experience what it’s like to hear me yap for an entire hour straight without break … you’re in luck!!

But for real- it’s an honor that anyone thought I’d have anything worth saying. That anyone at all might listen and laugh at my stupid jokes or just get to know me a little better. Maybe someone who wants to try something new and needs a push. Someone dealing with burnout who needs to know they’re not alone.

So… if you have some spare time, it would mean a lot if you have a listen/watch.

You can find the podcast versions via Goblin’s Gonna Yap @likbookgoblin

Number Three: I’m so lost in the Heated Rivalry Sauce.

But isn’t it so f*cking beautiful to see the community and love and joy and RESPECT for the source material? The acting. The lighting. The music choices. Where Romance is the purpose. Where Romance is the most important part of the story.

I’m a Romance girl at heart. It’s what I read, write, breathe. And I’m so overjoyed to see it out in the world in such a visible way.

And I’ve been making FAN ART again. This show punched its way right through the mental art block I’ve been dealing with all year. If you listen to the podcast, you’ll know just how important that is.

Anyway. I’ve yapped enough.

Grateful for it all. Big freaking feelings included.